Tortured Perfection
by kaitalaforever
Summary: Prompted by Tala's suicide attempt, both Kai and Tala are forced to deal with their past, and their feelings for each other. OOCness may occur in later chapters but I promise to try to keep it to a minimum!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, kaitalaforever does not own the Beyblade series, nor the Beyblade peeps. She does this purely for enjoyment and gets no money whatsoever.

**Warnings: *******MASSIVE trigger warning for anyone who struggles with self-harm/suicidal ideation. The story gets quite graphic in parts. Consider yourselves appropriately warned.*****  
Also, I am a perverted soul, and the chance of a lemon or two popping up in later chapters is almost guaranteed. Basically, if you consider yourself a precious little snowflake, I suggest you hit the 'x' button and read something fluffy before you're scarred forever.

**Rating:** M. Oh so very M.

OH! Also, there's some bits in Russian. I'll translate at the end of the chapter.

**Thanks to:** The lovely Lahmia! For being my beta, fixing my rather atrocious dialogue grammar problem(s) and just generally being supportive!

_((Thoughts))_

"Speech"

"_Spoken in Russian"_

**Tortured Perfection**

Kai sat at the kitchen table with both hands wrapped around a cup of strong, black coffee. Rather loud rock music was blaring from upstairs, and every beat of the bass pounded into his already aching skull. Oh yes, the great Kai Hiwatari, was hung-over. He groaned inwardly,

((_Ugh, I didn't even drink that much last night, and I drank a gallon of water before bed. I never get hung-over. Never. Fucking tequila._)) He sipped the coffee and winced as another particularly loud and angsty track blasted from Tala's room upstairs. His room was just down the hall, and right now, he wished he had listened to the red-head's advice and paid a little extra for sound-proofing. He wasn't quite sure what was up with Tala lately. He had been somehow…different to usual.

Neither of them was, or had ever been exactly happy-go-lucky, but somehow there had been a subtle shift in Tala's mood, from just generally aloof to almost purposely isolating himself. He had wanted to ask Tala about it, but emotions were not his forte, and he still hadn't figured out how to bring it up without seeming like a complete idiot. He and Tala never really talked about emotions anyway. Sure they had them, but having had it beat into them that emotions are for the weak still made them somewhat hesitant to share, even though the events of the Abbey were long in the past. Mostly, they could read each other just by eye contact and a raising of an eyebrow. That's what happens when you've known someone your whole life I guess. He knew Tala was haunted by memories of Boris and the Abbey. Hell, he was too. That wasn't a weakness, that's just what happens when you live in hell for most of your life. At least that's what Kai's therapist said, and she hadn't lied to him yet so even though every fibre of his being called him out on being afraid, he took her word for it whenever she said that fear does not always equal weakness.

"_Fuck!_" Kai exclaimed out loud, as yet another song with a heavy baseline started up. ((_That's it. Ivanov is turning that fucking music down, whether he likes it or not._))

Meanwhile, Tala was sat on the cool bathroom tiles in the ensuite to his room. Sobbing uncontrollably, he said a silent thanks to the blaring music for covering up the sound of his blubbering. Imagine if Kai heard him, or even worse, saw him, in this state. Fucking pathetic is what it is. Tala had always been plagued with nightmares and flashbacks from the Abbey, but lately, they'd reached a whole new level of intense. He had at least one flashback episode every damn day for the past three months, usually more, and sleep continued to elude him. Even when he did sleep, his nightmares were so intense that he rarely slept for more than an hour at a time before waking, drenched in sweat and heart beating so fast that he thought it would burst out of his chest at any second. Tala knew Kai was in therapy for this sort of thing, but he could never bring himself to get the same sort of help. He was Tala Ivanov. Captain of the Blitzkrieg Boyz and three time world championship runner-up (fucking Tyson). He was supposed to be invincible, in control, and perfect. He took another swig from the vodka bottle. Straight up, no chaser. He was Russian after all. Tala rolled the sleeves of his jacket up and lightly ran his fingers over the cuts on his forearms. They weren't that deep, none required stitches anyway, and they were all in various states of healing. They ran across his arms, like notches. For the past few months, they had been enough. They had given him the strength to get through the night and following day. But like all things in life, their magic had worn off. Tala ran through in his mind what he was about to do, and the consequences that would likely follow. He knew people would probably be a bit sad, but they would get over it. In time. Besides, once they got over the initial shock, they would be grateful that they didn't have to deal with him anymore. Once again, the thought of leaving a note, an explanation of his actions, crossed his mind, but he dismissed it. He didn't want to explain himself, and the one person he would want to know the reasons behind everything would already understand anyway. 'Kai'. The name ghosted over his lips, and Tala smiled a small smile before dissolving into sobs again. Tala had loved Kai from the moment he met him. Whenever they were together his heart swelled with emotions that he could never even hope to express. Emotions had never been his forte. Every night his heart ached to have his arms wrapped around Kai, keeping him safe as he slept, and after every flashback, Tala longed to bury his head in Kai's chest and scream and cry until the memories returned to where they belonged. Tala would give anything to hear Kai utter the words "I love you Tala" and for him to return the favour. But they had been living together for 18 months now, and Kai had not shown the slightest interest in him beyond friendship. Tears rolled freely down Tala's cheeks as he picked up the cold, steel razor.

"I'm just so…tired," he said, to no-one in particular. He took the razor and ran it down his wrist, stopping at about mid-forearm. The bright red gushing blood signaling he had hit his target, first go, as always. He chuckled faintly to himself as he remembered the saying 'remember kids, it's down the road not across the street, if you want to make it count.' He felt himself becoming dizzy, so he quickly did the same to the other wrist and let the razor fall to the floor. It made a slight clink as it hit the bathroom tiles. Tala leaned back against the wall, and allowed the feelings of relief and…happiness? Yes, happiness wash over him. This was it. Peace, freedom and happiness. All he had ever longed for. He felt a blissful darkness come over him, and whispered "_Y__a lyublyu tebya Kai_" as he closed his eyes and slumped over onto his side.

Kai hammered on Tala's bedroom door.

"Tala, turn that fucking music down!" he yelled. No reply. More hammering. "Tala I swear to fucking God, if you do not open this fucking door and turn that fucking music down, I will break the fucking lock and then I will fucking break _you!_" Still no reply. ((_Odd, I would have at least expected a stream of profanities from the other side of the door_.)) But there was nothing. Kai felt a slight pang of worry in his chest. His instincts told him something wasn't right. Deciding this was reason enough to break the lock as threatened; Kai gave the door an almighty whack with his hip and shoulder, easily splintering the lock.

"Tala?" He called. The red-head wasn't in here. Kai turned the stereo off and saw the bathroom light was on. Kai rolled his eyes; Tala took longer than a girl to get ready in the morning. His appearance was very important to him. "Tal, hurry the fuck up I need to talk to you," Kai said. It was then that he cast his eyes downward and saw a ghostly white hand protruding from the doorway. Kai again rolled his eyes. Come to think of it, it _did_ reek of booze in here. Tala must have been hurling his guts up and passed out next to the toilet. But then he noticed the pool of blood forming around Tala's hand and wrist, and his eyes widened as he rushed into the ensuite. "Jesus fucking Christ Tala, what the fuck have you done? Oh Christ, oh fuck, oh _Fuck!_" he yelled as he grabbed the nearest towel and using both hands, put pressure on Tala's wounds. "Tala! What the fuck? What. The. Fuck!" Tears were pricking his eyes, but he didn't care. He pulled one of Tala's arms to his side so he could use his knee to put pressure on the wound, and then checked for a pulse. "Tala, you son-of-a-bitch, you fucking son-of-a-bitch! Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare! You hear me? Don't you fucking dare!" Tala still had a pulse, it was faint, but it was there. Kai pulled out his mobile and dialed 000, asking for an ambulance. Tala's eyes opened, just a crack. He looked up at Kai, and said;

"Don't."

Kai was stunned. How could his best friend be feeling like this and not have him pick up on it. Kai looked Tala in the eyes and repeated;

"Don't you fucking dare," and continued giving the required information to emergency services. Tala closed his eyes and whispered again;

"_Y__a lyublyu tebya Kai_." It was barely audible, but Kai heard, and it stopped him in his tracks.

Everything seemed to go in slow motion. The paramedics arriving, sticking a tube down Tala's throat to help him breathe, putting him in the ambulance. Kai followed the ambulance at break-neck speed. He didn't care about getting tickets, or the fact he was still covered in blood. Kai was on auto-pilot. The whole time, one sentence was echoing through his mind ((_Ya lyublyu tebya Kai._))

It wasn't until the doctor came into the waiting room, and told him that Tala had been lucky, that they had been able to repair the damage, that he was still unconscious due to the blood loss, and would likely remain so for a while, but that he would be ok, that Kai finally allowed the day's events to catch up to him. Dropping to his knees, he sobbed,

"Tala I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." The doctor put her hand on his shoulder, and gently told him that he could go sit with Tala whenever he was ready. Kai pulled himself together and went to Tala's room. He couldn't help letting out a small gasp of shock when he saw Tala lying in the hospital bed. He was paler than the sheets, hooked up to numerous monitors and IV lines. He looked so…vulnerable. Through all the years they had known each other, through all the beatings, rape and torture at the hands of Boris, Kai had never seen Tala look so helpless. He sat down next to the bed and clasped Tala's hand in his own, not caring who saw, and made a confession of his own.

"_Tala, I love you. Always have, always will. I should have told you that everyday since the day I met you_."

**A/N – **WHOA! Holy angst Batman! I promise the next few chapters will lighten up a bit!

_Translations:_

"_Ya lyublyu tebya "– _I love you

Also, Russian is so much sexier when actually written in the Russian alphabet, or spoken. It kinda loses a bit of its magic when being written in the English alphabet. If you speak better Russian than me, correct me! Please! I wont be offended! I'm relatively new to the language and always looking to improve!

My very first fic! Pretty please review for me? Constructive criticism muchly appreciated. Flames will be used to toast marshmallows. Please be gentle *is nervous*


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, kaitalaforever does not own the Beyblade series, nor the Beyblade peeps. She does this purely for enjoyment and gets no money whatsoever.

**Warnings: **Everything from chapter 1 + a lemon and a rather dodgy attempt at humour by the author.

**Rating:** Remains M

**Thanks to: **The lovely and oh-so-patient Lahmia, beta extraordinaire!

_((__Thoughts))_

"Speech"

"_Russian"_

Any required translations at the end of the chapter!

Tala groaned and reached a hand up to his forehead. He felt like he had the hangover from hell, and had then been run over by a truck, and had his corpse fed to a hungry Wolborg. He cracked open one blue eye, and was met with the harsh glare of the hospital fluorescents. He groaned again and cursed in Russian, before rolling on to his side and opening his eyes fully. There he saw a much nicer sight. Kai was asleep on a chair, legs splayed and head back, snoring. Tala raised an eyebrow. Poise and grace had never been Kai's strong point.

"Psst. Hey Kai."

No response. Tala tried speaking a little louder.

"Hey! Moron! Wake up."

Still nothing. Tala snorted, rolled his eyes and began looking for something to throw. No matter what the situation, Kai could sleep like the dead. A quality that Tala had always been envious of. His eyes settled on a box of tissues, and he reached over to pick it up. A sharp pain shot through his wrist, reminding him of just why he was in this situation in the first place. _((Failed again.))_ he thought, as he ditched the box at his sleeping friend.

"The fuck?" Kai awoke with a start, and quickly scanned the room for the mystery assailant. He saw Tala looking at him with eyes full of both relief, and trepidation. He couldn't help but be a bit angry at the red-head, now that he was clearly ok.

"Why, Tala? Come on; don't look at me like that. You at least owe me a fucking explanation."

"Why did I throw the tissue box? Coz you sleep like the fucking dead, that's why." Tala smirked.

"Smart arse. You know what I meant."

Tala sighed. "There's no point going through it. You already know."

Kai just continued to look at Tala. "Do I?"

"Aww come on man! Don't fucking do this. Not you. There's nothing to tell anyway. A moment of weakness. That's all."

"It's not good to keep stuff bottled up Tal."

"Hah! This, coming from a man with all the colors of emotion!"

Kai snorted, "fuck you. How's this for emotion?" and flipped him the bird. "Seriously though, what the fuck is going on?"

Tala sighed, closed his eyes and said, "I hate so much who I am, what I've become. I used to be so cold, callous, belligerent, apathetic. I didn't care who I hurt in my fire storm. It actually brought me pleasure knowing I made people cry. I miss that. I miss not hurting, even though I didn't love. Love is not worth it, it's not worth all this pain it brings. And, it seems the more I hurt, the more I love, and then the more I hurt because of that love. I'm growing backwards. Most people start out loving blindly and as they get hurt, they get more cautious. I started out hating the world and everything in it and the more I hurt, the more I open up. And I fucking hate it."

"I can't even begin to explain how wrong you are." Came the soft reply. Kai looked sideways at Tala, who was avoiding eye contact, and picking at his sheets. "Tala, do you like me?"

"Huh? Of course I like you, you fucking ninny. I've lived with you for the past eighteen fucking months, haven't I?"

"No, I mean do you **like** like me?"

…

"Well, my silence is probably answer enough, but I swear I'm trying to put together a proper response," Tala muttered.

"Take your time. I realize this is like interrupting a delicate waltz with a sledgehammer to the knee," Kai replied, a slight smirk gracing his face.

"Fuck you. Yeah I like you. I've liked you for as long as I can fucking remember. But it's not reciprocated, so what's the fucking point? It's a pipe dream! Why am I even having this fucking conversation?" Tala scowled.

Kai tilted his head to one side and said "And how do you know all this? What makes you think I don't feel the same way?"

"Jesus fucking Christ Kai, look at me! I'm fucking pathetic! I'm sitting in a hospital bed, my wrists feel like they're on fucking fire, my hair is a mess, I've got a stupid backwards gown on, and however long I was out for, I'm betting that's the most I've slept in about three fucking months! I don't sleep, I don't eat and these scars are exactly what you think they are. I am a messed up, fucked up human being, and you don't need that." Tala's rant was interrupted by a nurse, who walked in and informed them that visiting hours were over. Kai walked over to the bed.

"How about you let me be the judge of what I fucking need," Kai said, as he leant over and gave Tala a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said, rather gruffly, and turned and walked out the room.

Tala unconsciously touched his lips. Before he was sad and angry, now he was sad and fucking confused. _((Kai couldn't like me, could he?))_ He hugged his knees to his chest and frowned. _((Well, we can certainly chalk this up as being one weird-ass fucking day.))_

The next day, Kai arrived at the hospital early, and walked in to Tala's room to find him packing the few belongings he came in with.

"Tala, what the fuck are you doing?"

"What the fuck's it look like? I'm leaving."

"What? No, you need to stay. You fucking tried to kill yourself. You need these people to help you. I'll visit every day, just please, stay here."

"Kai, calm the fuck down. They discharged me. A shaking of the finger and a firm 'don't do it again' was all they said*." Tala sighed, threw his bag over his shoulder, pushed past a shocked Kai and walked out of the room.

"Tala, you can't be serious. What if you try again? Are you going to try again?" Kai asked. Tala looked back over his shoulder and shrugged.

"I dunno." He continued walking out of the hospital toward the car park.

"Dammit, that's not fucking good enough!" Kai chased after Tala, and tried to grab his shoulder, but Tala shrugged him off.

"Where'd you park?"

"Don't you fucking ignore me, we need to talk about this. I need to know that this isn't going to happen again." This time Kai grabbed Tala's shoulder roughly, and pushed him against the car.

Tala pushed Kai's hands off of him. "What do you want me to tell you Kai? I don't. Fucking. Know. Alright? I don't know how I feel, what I feel, **if** I feel. Just let me go."

"I can't lose you. I can't fucking lose you." Kai said, his voice starting to break. Tala closed his eyes and looked away.

"Kai, I…" he started, before he became aware of a pair of lips launching an attack on his own. He dropped his bag and quickly deepened the kiss, licking the lower lip of the younger Russian, asking for entrance which was quickly granted. He explored Kai's beautiful mouth with his tongue, savoring every taste and moment, in case he was dreaming. He buried one hand in the blue hair, while the other busied itself snaking its way down Kai's back toward his firm ass, making sure that he committed the feeling of Kai's muscles dance into his memory. Tala heard an electronic beep, signaling that Kai had unlocked the car. The hand that gripped hair now felt behind him for the door handle, which he quickly found and pulled open. He broke the kiss and looked in Kai's deep ruby eyes, "I won't do this if you're going to regret it."

"Get in the fucking car," came the reply. Tala smiled a million-volt smile, and allowed himself to be pushed into the backseat of the car. Kai straddled him, and nipped his earlobe before attaching himself to the red-head's neck, leaving a possessive love bite. Tala meanwhile, had returned his hands to Kai's ass, and had buried his face in the crook of the bluenette's neck, making a mark of his own just above Kai's collarbone. Kai once again began to kiss Tala, and was this time met with an immediate open mouth, and a tongue battling his own for dominance. Kai was quick to rid Tala of his jacket and shirt, and he just lightly ran his fingers over a nipple, causing Tala to moan and lift his hips off the seat. It was now Tala's turn to remove the clothing from Kai's torso, and he did so with the same impatience as Kai. Tala pulled out of the kiss for a moment, a lack of oxygen becoming a distinct problem. Kai looked down at the older Russian, flushed and panting beneath him. It was a beautiful sight, and he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself much longer. He leaned over and whispered a command in his soon-to-be lover's ear. "Switch." Tala was too overcome with lust to do anything other than what he was told. Tala ground his hips against Kai's, and this time, it was the bluenette's turn to moan. Kai grabbed the waist-band of Tala's pants. "Off. Now." This time Tala grinned, and replied cheekily,

"Monkey see, monkey do."

Kai raised an eyebrow, but took the hint, and both boys removed their pants, albeit rather awkwardly ** as they became aware of the confines of their chosen location. But at least now they were free of bothersome material, and Tala resumed his place on Kai's lap. Tala began to rub his cock against Kai's, causing them both to moan. Kai offered his fingers to Tala and ordered him to suck. Tala took Kai's fingers in his mouth, and coated them generously in saliva, mimicking the actions he would perform on Kai's member if there were enough room in the car to show off his blow job skills. Kai felt himself growing harder by the second, and he knew if he let Tala keep this up, there wouldn't be a main course in this meal. He removed his fingers from the delicious mouth, and pushed one finger in to Tala's entrance. Tala whimpered slightly at the intrusion, and clutched on to Kai's hair and back a bit tighter. Kai began placing soothing, feathery light kisses on Tala's cheek, and with his free hand, stroked his erection to take his mind off of the pain. When he felt the older Russian relax, he added a second finger and began scissoring, feeling Tala tense up again. Soon Tala's whimpers turned to moans, and he knew he needed to feel Kai's cock in him. Both men locked eyes, as Tala lowered himself onto Kai, allowing himself to be filled by the man he had loved for so long. After a few moments of adjustment, Tala began to thrust down hard onto Kai, and the phoenix couldn't help but lift his hips, grinding the two lovers together. Kai grabbed hold of Tala's slim hips, setting a furious pace.

"Oh…God Tala! Oh fuck! Oh, ah ah…" Kai couldn't stop the string of nonsense coming out of his mouth. Not that he really wanted too. Tala was also having a hard time controlling himself, when a particularly loud moan tore from his throat and he threw his head back. Through a haze of pleasure, the bluenette realized Tala had found that all important spot, and did whatever he could to make sure Tala hit it every time. He grabbed hold of Tala's member and began pumping in time with his thrusts.

"Oh fuck Kai! I can't…I ca…AAHH!" With a final scream of pleasure, Tala released all over his and Kai's chests. Feeling Tala clamp around him, it only took a couple more thrusts before Kai too, came undone, spilling everything he had into Tala. Both men went limp, Tala on top of Kai, panting and shaking as they both tried to catch their breath. Once Kai felt able to speak, he gently pulled Tala's head from its resting place in the crook of his neck, and asked,

"Now do you see how much I fucking need you?"

Tala gave a small, exhausted smile, and snuggled back into Kai. "Hey Kai?"

"Hn?"

"Thank fuck your windows are tinted!"

x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x

A/N – *It's not uncommon to be discharged as soon as you're "medically stable" after a suicide attempt. Shortest I've ever been in hospital following an attempt was six hours. At least that's what it's like in Australian hospitals.

**Ever tried to take your pants off in the back seat of a car and still be sexy? Awkward is an understatement!

Holy crap! I decided to sit down and actually write this chapter and before I know it, it's 2am! I have to be up for work in 3 hours! Worth it though. Also, if you've never had crazy-car-sex, go get your significant other (or whoever, really) and do it. You can thank me later ;)


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